About Difficult Conversations

Many years ago I came across the "Difficult Conversation" by by Douglas Stone et al - a book that was result of many years of research of the Harvard Negotiation Project. The prompt reminded me of that and I would revisit it quickly and list the salient points that mostly I am copying and pasting from the book in a way that hopefully make a concise and coherent reading.

The book explores what it is that makes conversations difficult, why we avoid them,

And why we often handle them badly. It says, "a difficult conversation is anything you find it hard to talk about". Its dilemma is to avoid or to confront, There Is No Good Path. Desperate for a way out of the dilemma, we wonder if it is possible to be so tactful, so overwhelmingly pleasant that everything ends up fine. Tact is good, but it’s not the answer to difficult conversations. Tact won’t make conversations with your father more intimate or take away your client’s anger over the increased bill.

No matter how good you get, difficult conversations will always challenge you. Best to keep your goals realistic. Eliminating fear and anxiety is an unrealistic goal. Reducing fear and anxiety and learning how to manage that which remains are more obtainable.

All difficult conversations share a common structure that consists of 3 conversations going on simultaneously

1. What happened conversation

2. The Feeling conversation

3. The identity conversation

Once we know that then we can learn how to create the 4th, that is Learning conversation.

The “What Happened?” Conversation. involved disagreement about what has happened or what should happen.

The Feelings Conversation asks and answers questions about feelings. Are my feelings valid?

Appropriate? Should I acknowledge or deny them, put them on the table or check them at the door? What do I do about the other person’s feelings?

The Identity Conversation. This is the conversation we each have with ourselves about what this situation means to us. We con-duct an internal debate over whether this means we are competent or incompetent, a good person or bad, worthy of love or unlovable. What impact might it have on our self image and self esteem, our future and our wellbeingeing? Our answers to these questions determine in large part whether we feel “balanced” during the conversation, or whether we feel off-center and anxious.

What we can change is the way we respond to each of these challenges.

Typically, instead of exploring what information the other person might have that we don’t, we assume we know all we need to know to understand and explain things. Instead of working to manage our feelings constructively, we either try to hide them or let loose in ways that we later regret. Instead of exploring the identity issues that may be deeply at stake for us (or them), we proceed with the conversation as if it says nothing about us—and never come to grips with what is at the heart of our anxiety.

By understanding these errors and the havoc they wreak, we can begin to craft better approaches.

In every case, work through the Three Conversations as best you can. Get a better handle on your feelings, key identity issues, and possible distortions or gaps in your perceptions.

Think clearly about what you do know (your own feelings, your own experiences and story, your identity issues), and what you don’t know (their intentions, their perspective, or feelings).

Some ideas to create learning conversation:

· To Raise or Not to Raise another critical area to work on.

· Is the Real Conflict Inside You?

· Is There a Better Way to Address the Issue Than Talking About It?

· Remember, You Can’t Change Other People.

· Don’t Focus on Short-Term Relief at Long-Term Cost

· Don’t Hit-and-Run.

· Letting Go and Letting Go Doesn’t Mean I No Longer Care

· Adopt Some Liberating Assumptions

· It’s Not My Responsibility to Make Things Better; It’s My Re-sponsibility to Do My Best

· They Have Limitations Too

· This Conflict Is Not Who I Am

· Three Purposes That Work

1. Learning Their Story

2. Expressing Your Views and Feelings

3. Problem-Solving Together

· Stance and Purpose Go Hand in Hand

· Begin from the Third Story

· We Begin Inside Our Own Story

· We Trigger Their Identity Conversation from the Start

· Think Like a Mediator

· Not Right or Wrong, Not Better or Worse–Just Different

· :Extend an Invitation and Describe Your Purposes - Invite, Don’t Impose

· Make Them Your Partner in Figuring It Out